Reversal
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: It was only when her attentions were no longer directed at you that you felt the loss of what you never fully realized was there.


**Title: **Reversal  
**Author: **Cassandra Mulder  
**Rated: **PG  
**Classification: **_Smallville_; Chlark; angst  
**Spoilers: **_Vessel_ and very vague ones for season six.  
**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Don't sue.  
**Written: **September 17, 2006  
**Word Count: **1074  
**Summary:**_ It was only when her attentions were no longer directed at you that you felt the loss of what you never fully realized was there._  
**A/N: **And what did I tell you about musical inspiration? While going over these lyrics, an idea hit me. I mulled it over until the right inspiration hit, and finished a story all at one time for the first time in forever. It feels good. Also, this came out in second person, which is only the second time that's happened, I think. I take them as they come. I hope you enjoy it, and remember, feedback is love:)

* * *

_And who's to say it's wrong  
And who's to say that it's not right  
Where we should be for now  
So this is where you are, and this is where I am  
So this is where you are, and this is where I've been  
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred  
- Hundred - The Fray_

_---------------------------------- _

When she says it doesn't matter, you want to believe her. She doesn't know that it matters to you, so what _does_ it matter?

She cocks her head to the side and smiles in that way that makes your heart skip a beat, and you don't see a trace of the pain you've witnessed there before. Either she's become an Oscar-worthy actress over the last few weeks, or she really doesn't feel that way anymore.

"It was the end of the world," she says, and you stare at the floor as you shuffle your feet, wondering if you are still some fifteen year old klutz, afraid of love, or a twenty-one year old man who is going to let her stand there and tell you how to feel. "Anyone would have done the same thing, Clark," she adds, like it's going to help, and you wonder why she did it at all if she could change her mind in such a short time.

You look at her like she's crazy, because you honestly think she might be, and shake your head. It's been nearly two weeks since you got back from the Phantom Zone, and this is the first time you worked up enough courage to even start this conversation. She has never mentioned it at all.

Apparently the tension was only on your side, as you measured every word, every gesture, and she went on as if she hadn't practically jumped you in the middle of the Daily Planet as you went off to save the world. You had to say _something_, because you couldn't bear to see her smile that smile at Jimmy Olsen and flirt with him mercilessly. It was only when her attentions were no longer directed at you that you felt the loss of what you never fully realized was there.

It was only when you realized you loved her that she brushed you off. Exactly, you finally understood, as you had been brushing her off since high school.

"Chloe, I..." She looks at you expectantly, and suddenly you want to be anywhere but standing in front of her, drowning in your own regret. If there's no way to make this right, you don't know what you'll do. If she doesn't want you anymore, you don't know how you'll go on seeing her, though you would never forsake the gift of her friendship. If she does, you have an even harder time figuring out how you'll make the last five years up to her.

"What if it mattered... _matters_ to me?" You can barely meet her eyes, but when you do you see the sadness settling there. Suddenly you feel the hope sucked out of you, because she never looks like that unless she's about to be forced to break your heart. And no matter the status of your relationship, she has _never_ relished that

You watch as she closes her eyes and sighs, and when she opens them again you think (hope?) that they might be shining with at least the slightest bit of emotion.

She opens her mouth as if to speak, thinks better of whatever it was she was going to say, tucks a strand of hair behind her right ear, takes a deep breath, and attempts to start again. "This," she says, as she gestures between the two of you, "might not be the best idea right now. I don't want to hurt you, Clark." She passes a hand over her eyes as she says, "God, I really don't want to hurt you" almost under her breath, almost to herself.

You can't blame her, because if this is what she has been feeling since junior high, you can completely understand why she wouldn't want to voluntarily inflict it upon anyone else.

"I know neither of us can believe I'm the one saying this, but maybe this is where we should be for now. I've really re-connected with Jimmy," she pauses, knowing it's a sore spot for you, "and we're having a lot of fun. I just... I think that's what I need right now. I don't want what happened to affect or influence you in some weird way. Do you know what I'm saying?"

"Yeah," you say, but you don't mean it, because you know it's not Zod, or the potential end of the world, or being trapped in a godforsaken hell dimension that has made you come to this decision. It was an entirely different kind of clarity before most of that, one where she took you and showed you exactly how she felt without a doubt, that made you finally wake up and stop wasting time.

You wonder if you've slipped into yet another alternate reality, where everything is the opposite of how it should be, and your feelings have become hers, and vice versa. That would be the only thing that would make any sense, as crazy as it would sound to anyone outside of the two people standing in this room.

"I'm really sorry, Clark. I didn't mean for it to turn out this way. I'm not saying I don't - Maybe this isn't forever, even though I don't expect you to wait. But I really don't think this is a good place for us to start."

_Then what is?_ you wonder miserably. You hear yourself say, "I understand", and marvel at what a tremendous liar she's made you, all in the space of ten minutes. Perhaps she's not the only one deserving of an Academy Award.

"So we're okay?" she asks hesitantly, her brows drawn together like you're going to say 'no', and you offer a small smile to erase her frown.

"We're good, Chloe. We always will be," you assure her. The words are true, but they sound hollow since you had expected to end this conversation with a happy declaration and a kiss.

Her face lights up as she smiles and she quickly hugs you before making her excuses to get back to work, and promising she will see you later.

As you watch her go, you wonder what you've done. This was a switch you never saw coming, and you don't know if you will ever see a chance when it's there, or want what you can't have until the end of time. The odds, especially at the moment, don't seem to be in your favor.

Finis


End file.
